Hello & Good-bye 2012
My last post was a picture from Thanksgiving in 2011. Fast forward to today, December 29th 2012. It's been awhile...over a year in fact. The end of 2011 was filled with joy. Miles and Will (who I now refer to as "Big Will") both celebrated milestone birthdays. Miles, his 1st birthday, and Big Will, his 30th. My folks flew down to NC to celebrate and a good time was had by all. I remember thinking on that day (12/18/11) how wonderful life was, that back in 2009 only days after Will crashed, it was unknown if he would live to see another birthday. And here he was, celebrating his 30th and sharing his day with his nephew who was just turning 1! A week later we celebrated Christmas with the immediate Johnson family. 2012 arrived and life as I knew it briefly stopped early on the morning of Jan. 27th. I don't want to write about all the awful, vivid memories that continue to haunt me. You can read the obituary and details on Will's blog. Will's Blog.
What I do want to write about is the journey that continues. Life goes on. The sun continues to rise and set. As 1 life ends, another begins. Call this cliche, but it's the truth. Yes there are dark days, some very dark, others not so much. We found out we were expecting another baby about a week or 2 before Will died. We shared this news with Will early on and for that I am grateful. Miles took his first steps on the evening of Jan. 26th and I caught it on video and showed it to Will in the hospital that night. That was the last time I saw and talked to Will before he died hours later. I regret I didn't spend more time with him that evening, but hindsight is 20/20. How was I to know he would become unstable and go into cardiac arrest?
As you can understand, 2012 has been a dark and tumultuous year. I have learned, thanks to a experienced bereavement counselor in NC, that the act of grieving is not a linear process. In nursing school we were taught the Kubler-Ross model of grief. Well, Kubler-Ross only got it half right. Yes there are 5 "stages" of grieving, but the stages can occur in any which way they want to and it's basically like you are on a ferris wheel. Just when you think you are done with 1 stage, it comes back around to rear it's ugly head.
So as 1 life ended, Ty and I continued our journey and made the move back home to Cape Cod. The buying and selling of our homes was stressful and everything happened very quickly, but we did it. It was not the easiest decision, but for our family it was the right decision. We attended the closing on our NC home on June 1st and then I immediately jumped in the car with Miles, Simon the cat, and my good friend Lisa and we hit the road bound for the Cape. Lisa and I drove through the night, listening to Simon meow the entire way, and we arrived in Chatham at about 2 am. I could not believe I was parking my car for good on the Cape. Ty remained in NC to work at EMC for a few weeks before transferring to EMC in Franklin, MA. He and his brother drove up to MA with the rest of our worldly possessions. The summer of 2012 came and went. We closed on our home on June 29th and I continued to work for Duke from home via computer and phone. Ty worked his butt off painting and ripping up carpet. I was busy caring for Miles and being pregnant. We settled into our home and impatiently awaited the arrival of the baby. I was convinced we were having a girl. My due date, 9/29/12 came and went. I stopped working on 9/28. Finally on Friday 10/5/12 I started having consistent, irregular contractions around 7 am. I told Ty not to go to work. We took Miles to Chatham and then came back to East Sandwich. The entire day the contractions were quite manageable and I was afraid I wasn't in "real" labor. We went out for ice cream at 2:30. I tried to rest. I was getting impatient. At 5:30 I made Ty go for a walk with me around the neighborhood. He went and got pizza at 6 pm and after 2 bites my contractions changed and I couldn't talk through them. Time to go to the hospital! We arrived at Tobey Hospital at 7:30 and the midwife, Lousie (an absolute angel!), checked me at 8 pm and announced that I was 5 cm! Yippee!!! I walked 1 or maybe 2 laps around the floor and then things really got intense and Lousie gently forced me into the tub which was "labor nirvana" I had no idea I was in transition, and although the contractions were painful I was getting through them fine and then the next thing I know Lousie is telling me to get out as it was time to have a baby. A few minutes after 10 pm, baby Will arrived! I was flabbergasted when I saw testicles, as I was convinced "he" was a "she!" I am overjoyed that we have 2 happy, healthy boys. It's been an adjustment to have 2 little ones and I would not have been able to do it without the amazing support from family and friends. The cocktail of post-partum hormones, holiday season, and big Will anniversaries of both his birth and death, have cycled me back to square 1 and for a week or 2 I was not really functioning. Thanks to family, friends, acupuncture, counseling, exercise, and a better diet I am slowly returning back to a person I recognize. It has taken and will continue to take a lot of work, but one thing I am sure of...is that we will be saying "good-bye" to 2012 in a few days and looking forward to 2013 and all of its opportunities...but we will never forget the memories and all those important to us, whether they are here with us or not.
My last post was a picture from Thanksgiving in 2011. Fast forward to today, December 29th 2012. It's been awhile...over a year in fact. The end of 2011 was filled with joy. Miles and Will (who I now refer to as "Big Will") both celebrated milestone birthdays. Miles, his 1st birthday, and Big Will, his 30th. My folks flew down to NC to celebrate and a good time was had by all. I remember thinking on that day (12/18/11) how wonderful life was, that back in 2009 only days after Will crashed, it was unknown if he would live to see another birthday. And here he was, celebrating his 30th and sharing his day with his nephew who was just turning 1! A week later we celebrated Christmas with the immediate Johnson family. 2012 arrived and life as I knew it briefly stopped early on the morning of Jan. 27th. I don't want to write about all the awful, vivid memories that continue to haunt me. You can read the obituary and details on Will's blog. Will's Blog.
What I do want to write about is the journey that continues. Life goes on. The sun continues to rise and set. As 1 life ends, another begins. Call this cliche, but it's the truth. Yes there are dark days, some very dark, others not so much. We found out we were expecting another baby about a week or 2 before Will died. We shared this news with Will early on and for that I am grateful. Miles took his first steps on the evening of Jan. 26th and I caught it on video and showed it to Will in the hospital that night. That was the last time I saw and talked to Will before he died hours later. I regret I didn't spend more time with him that evening, but hindsight is 20/20. How was I to know he would become unstable and go into cardiac arrest?
As you can understand, 2012 has been a dark and tumultuous year. I have learned, thanks to a experienced bereavement counselor in NC, that the act of grieving is not a linear process. In nursing school we were taught the Kubler-Ross model of grief. Well, Kubler-Ross only got it half right. Yes there are 5 "stages" of grieving, but the stages can occur in any which way they want to and it's basically like you are on a ferris wheel. Just when you think you are done with 1 stage, it comes back around to rear it's ugly head.
So as 1 life ended, Ty and I continued our journey and made the move back home to Cape Cod. The buying and selling of our homes was stressful and everything happened very quickly, but we did it. It was not the easiest decision, but for our family it was the right decision. We attended the closing on our NC home on June 1st and then I immediately jumped in the car with Miles, Simon the cat, and my good friend Lisa and we hit the road bound for the Cape. Lisa and I drove through the night, listening to Simon meow the entire way, and we arrived in Chatham at about 2 am. I could not believe I was parking my car for good on the Cape. Ty remained in NC to work at EMC for a few weeks before transferring to EMC in Franklin, MA. He and his brother drove up to MA with the rest of our worldly possessions. The summer of 2012 came and went. We closed on our home on June 29th and I continued to work for Duke from home via computer and phone. Ty worked his butt off painting and ripping up carpet. I was busy caring for Miles and being pregnant. We settled into our home and impatiently awaited the arrival of the baby. I was convinced we were having a girl. My due date, 9/29/12 came and went. I stopped working on 9/28. Finally on Friday 10/5/12 I started having consistent, irregular contractions around 7 am. I told Ty not to go to work. We took Miles to Chatham and then came back to East Sandwich. The entire day the contractions were quite manageable and I was afraid I wasn't in "real" labor. We went out for ice cream at 2:30. I tried to rest. I was getting impatient. At 5:30 I made Ty go for a walk with me around the neighborhood. He went and got pizza at 6 pm and after 2 bites my contractions changed and I couldn't talk through them. Time to go to the hospital! We arrived at Tobey Hospital at 7:30 and the midwife, Lousie (an absolute angel!), checked me at 8 pm and announced that I was 5 cm! Yippee!!! I walked 1 or maybe 2 laps around the floor and then things really got intense and Lousie gently forced me into the tub which was "labor nirvana" I had no idea I was in transition, and although the contractions were painful I was getting through them fine and then the next thing I know Lousie is telling me to get out as it was time to have a baby. A few minutes after 10 pm, baby Will arrived! I was flabbergasted when I saw testicles, as I was convinced "he" was a "she!" I am overjoyed that we have 2 happy, healthy boys. It's been an adjustment to have 2 little ones and I would not have been able to do it without the amazing support from family and friends. The cocktail of post-partum hormones, holiday season, and big Will anniversaries of both his birth and death, have cycled me back to square 1 and for a week or 2 I was not really functioning. Thanks to family, friends, acupuncture, counseling, exercise, and a better diet I am slowly returning back to a person I recognize. It has taken and will continue to take a lot of work, but one thing I am sure of...is that we will be saying "good-bye" to 2012 in a few days and looking forward to 2013 and all of its opportunities...but we will never forget the memories and all those important to us, whether they are here with us or not.
posted by Em at 7:38 PM
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